


Cards Against Humanity w/ friends

by brittneynr96



Series: Pjo Youtuber au [6]
Category: Percy Jackson and the Olympians & Related Fandoms - All Media Types
Genre: Basically just them playing cards against humanity, Gen, Youtuber AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-30
Updated: 2016-05-30
Packaged: 2018-07-11 01:57:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,586
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7021024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brittneynr96/pseuds/brittneynr96
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Basically just Piper, Percy, Nico, and Thalia playing cards against humanity and Jason is the judge.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cards Against Humanity w/ friends

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not trying to offend anyone so I am so sorry if you find any of these cards offensive. It's just a fun adult game for terrible people.

"Hi guys!" Piper waved at the camera. "Today I'm joined with some of my closest friends and we're going to be playing Cards Against Humanity."

"You're going down, McLean!" Percy yelled out from his hiding spot."

"Percy! I haven't introduced you yet." 

"Sorry." Piper rolled her eyes and smiled. "I'm here with GhostKing," Piper introduced Nico who nodded at the camera. "ThaliaGrace," Thalia smirked at the camera. "Blondsuperman and the annoying pain in the ass-"

"Hey!"

"-PerseaJackson." Percy moved to sit by Nico and gave the camera a smile and wave. "And since Jason refuses to play-"

"It's for awful people and I'm not an awful person." Jason explained.

"He's a little bitch baby." Thalia said.

"Thalia!"

"Jason will be our judge." Jason just glared and rolled his eyes. Percy laughed and patted his shoulder. "Don't worry bro. I'm a horrible enough person for the both of us."

"I invited other people to play but uh.." Piper said before Percy interrupted her. "Our only other friends we have are either cinnamon rolls too pure for this world or they're-" 

"Are like Jason, a bunch of bitchbabies who take things too seriously and gets offended over a card game." Thalia interrupted. Jason glared and threw a pillow at her.

"I'm 100% positive that if you guys weren't corrupted assholes like I am, I'd probably ruin any chance of friendship we'd have left." Percy said laughing and shook his head. "I played this once with Annabeth and now she can't look at me the same way."

"Annabeth is a bitchbaby man," Thalia rolled her eyes. "You were playing with the wrong people. You're now playing with a bunch of corrupted, terrible, assholes with a dark, twisted sense of humor. We understand each other. This is a no judging zone."

"You see everyone," Piper smiled at the camera. "Other family games like Monopoly, they ruin relationships and burn bridges. But Cards Against Humanity, they bring assholes, like ourselves, together and form bonds that honestly, probably shouldn't even be formed. Like Percy and myself for example." Percy and everyone else nodded in agreement. "We really shouldn't be friends."

"Nope. We're terrible influences on each other."

"I'm surprised they haven't been arrested yet." Jason said. 

Piper laughed, "And this game is only gonna bring us closer."

"Why isn't Leo here? He'd be great at this game." Jason asked.

"He and Annabeth are working on a group project before she goes to Boston in a few days." Nico spoke up. "He wanted to be here but he had other responsibilities at the moment. Should we start?"

"Yeah, and Jackson no cheating." Piper scolded, pointing an accusing finger at him.

"How the hell do you even cheat at this game?" Percy asked defensively.

"Just because you're banging the judge doesn't mean he has to help you win." Thalia said, shuffling up the decks. Nico choked on his water. "What?! Oh no, I'm not banging Jason."

"Wow," Jason gave Percy an offended look. "You seem pretty insulted by that. What? You don't want to ba-?"

"We're not talking about this right now, Jay." Percy interrupted. "Thalia, no cheating either. Just because he's your brother doesn't mean he has to help you win."

Jason took a card out of the deck. "Maybe she's born with it. Maybe it's ___."

Everyone looked through their choices. Nico held up his choice card. "Maybe it's being a motherfucking sorcerer."

"I'm gonna go with.." Thalia went over her choices. "I have a few good choices but I want to save them so.." She held her choice card, "mild autism."

"White privilege." Percy said holding up his card causing everyone to laugh. 

"I was feeling pretty good about my choice but I'm not so sure anymore." Piper held up her card. "Concealing an erection."

"I'm gonna have to go with...white priviledge. I mean..that is a pretty good answer."

"You win this round, Jackson." Thalia narrowed her eyes. "But you can't cheat forever."

"I'm not cheating!"

 

"I drink to forget ___."

Piper held up her card. "I drink to forget my relationship status."

"I drink to forget drinking alone." Thalia said. 

Percy held up his card. "Alcoholism."

"I drink to forget Kanye West."

"Why you gotta hate on Kayne like that?" Percy asked offendedly. 

"If you had this card you'd use it too."

"Most likely yeah."

"I think Nico wins this round with Kanye." Jason said. 

"You're just picking Nico because you hate Kanye because of his beef with Taylor Swift."

"No one insults Tay."

"Thalia, I thought you taught this white boy good music."

"Percy, shut up or so help me gods."

"Whatcha gonna do, Jay? Get TayTay on me?" Jason answered by throwing a pillow at Percy's face.

 

"My life is ruled by a vicious cycle of ___ and ___."

"My life is ruled by a vicious cycle of letting people down and lifetime of sadness." Thalia said. 

"Demonic possession and daddy issues." 

"Is that a jab at my ex-boyfriend?" Percy said, raising an eyebrow at Piper who just smirked. Percy rolled his eyes and held up his card. "Vomiting mid-blowjob and almost giving money to a homeless person."

"Depression and suicidal thoughts." Nico said. 

"Okay, that one's too real. Nico wins this round again."

"Daaamn, Nico. Back at it again with kicking all of our asses."

Nico groaned and refrained himself from slapping Percy upside the head. "Please don't bring back that meme."

 

"What gets better with age?" Jason asked, reading the card.

"Robert Downey Jr." Piper licked her lips.

"Gloryholes." Percy winked at the camera. 

Nico held up his card. "BATMAN!!!" 

"Consensual sex."

"I mean you're not lying!" Piper said, high fiving Thalia. 

"I think we can all agree that Thalia wins this round." Everyone nodded and Thalia just smirked. 

 

"How did I lose my virginity?"

"I lost mine because of the make a wish foundation." Nico said. 

"Winking at old people." Thalia held up her card. 

"Slowly easing down onto a cucumber." Piper said, trying not to laugh.

"Getting into her pants, politely." Percy said, trying to keep a serious face. "It's all about consent guys."

"I'm gonna go with Piper's." Piper fist bumped and lightly punched Percy's arm. "Bow down, bitch."

 

"And the academy award for ___ goes to ___."

"And the academy award for silence goes to a mime having a stroke." Piper said. 

"I'm gonna go with," Nico held up his card. "The screams..the terrible screams goes to drowning the kids in the bathtub."

"Y'know what?" Percy said, picking his cards. "I'm going to hell for this one but the academy award for being on fire goes to the Jews."

"Aren't you like half-Jewish or something?" Nico asked, raising an eyebrow. 

"On my mother's side." Percy explained. 

"We're all going to hell anyways so it's okay." Thalia said, holding up her cards. "For a sassy black woman goes to Darth Vader."

"You guys are all terrible people." Jason shook his head. "But I guess Percy wins this round for being the worst." Percy just smirked and shoved Piper's arm. "Bow down to your king dumpster queen."

"Fight me you bitch." Piper hit him with a pillow. 

 

"You haven't truly lived until you've experienced ___ and ___ at the same time."

"You haven't truly lived until you've experienced overpowering your father and revenge fucking." Thalia said. 

"What the fuck?!"

Nico chose his cards. "Blood farts and reverse cowgirl." 

"I'm gonna go with swiftly achieving orgasm and daddy's belt."

"Piper, I'm starting to think you have a daddy kink." Percy noted.

"#confirmed. Piper has a daddy kink." Thalia said. 

"I don't have a daddy kink!"

"Okay..that totally sounds fake but okay." Percy held up his cards. "An unexpected finger in the anus and love."

"I regret being friends with you guys." Jason face-palmed. "You're all terrible people. Piper wins this round."

"#Confirmed, Jason has a daddy kink."

"Jackson, shut the fuck up."

 

"Next from J.K. Rowling: Harry Potter and the Chamber of ___. Percy I swear to gods if you ruin Harry Potter for me." Jason gave him a glare.

Percy just smirked and held up his card, giving Jason a wink. "Everyone, let's ruin Harry Potter for Jason! I'll start us off. Harry Potter and the chamber of dead parents."

Jason threw a pillow at him. "Fucking dick."

"Daniel Radcliffe's delicious asshole." Thalia smirked. 

"Harry Potter and the chamber of three dicks at the same time." 

"Nico!"

Piper held up card and smiled innocently. "Harry Potter erotica."

"I fucking hate you guys. I'm done being friends with you asshats."

"Who wins?" Thalia asked with a shit eating grin on her face. 

"You do. I hope you're all happy for ruining my childhood you jerks."

 

"During sex, I like to think about ___. Oh dear gods."

Percy held up his choice card, trying to hold back his laughter. "During sex, I like to think about tentacle porn."

"You're little mermaid obsession is starting to go too far, Jackson." Thalia teased. 

"Is Jason really that bad in bed?" Nico asked with a poker face causing everyone to laugh and clutch their sides.

"Y'know," Percy wiped the tears from his eyes. "this is the exact reason why Hazel isn't playing this game right now."

"I mean I don't know about you guys," Piper said, going through her choices and holding up her card. "But during sex, I like to think about elderly Japanese men."

Percy leaned into Nico and laughed into his shoulder. Nico pushed him off onto the floor. Jason face-palmed and shook his head. "Oh man," Percy said from the floor, finally catching his breath. "You know the sex is terrible when you have to think about elderly Japanese men to get off." 

Piper went to say something but Jason interrupted her before she could continue. "Nico, what's your answer?"

"During sex I like to think about waiting 'til marriage."

"Kind've late don't you think."

"I like to think about never having sex again." 

"Damn, Thalia. You and Piper must have a terrible sex life." Percy gave her a sympathy look.

"Can we please get off the subject of sex?" Jason whined.

"Jason, you're just upset Percy has to think about tentacle porn to get off." Thalia sassed back. 

"Oooh!" 

Jason rolled his eyes. "Piper wins this round with elderly Japanese men." 

"Fuck yeah! Bow down to the queen bitches!"

 

"I got 99 problems but ___ ain't one."

"I may have a lot of problems but teenage pregnancy ain't one of them." Piper said proudly. "Nothing against you teen parents out there."

Nico held up his card. "I have a lot more than 99 problems but my soul isn't one of them."

"Being fabulous!" Percy smiled. 

"The miracle of childbirth is definitely not it." Thalia said, grimacing at the thought. "I don't want kids. At all. I'll spoil any of my future nieces and nephews and teach them bad words and how to be badass, but as far as having kids? Nope nope nope. I'm gonna be that cool aunt who's a bad influence."

"Remind me to never let you babysit any of my future kids." Jason said. 

"I expect much from Thalia." Percy said. "This is coming from the girl who failed parenting class back in high school because she refused to take care of the baby doll. Hell, she named me and Annabeth's spawn of Satan baby doll thing 'kelp head demon seed Chase-Jackson. Annabeth's teacher wasn't too thrilled to see the fake birth certificate."

"That's it. You're definitely not coming around my future kids."

"Oh shut up and tell us who wins."

"I think Nico wins this round."

 

"This is the prime of my life. I'm young, hot, and full of ___."

"I'm young, hot, and full of poor life choices." Piper said, holding up her card.

"You ain't never lie." Percy held up his card. "I'm young, hot, and full of crippling financial debt."

"This game is getting to real. I'm gonna go with poorly-times holocaust jokes." Thalia said. 

"I'm gonna go with.." Nico went through his choices and held up his card. "Bullshit."

"I mean you're not wrong. So many good choices here." Thalia said. 

"Poor life choices wins this round I think." Jason said, picking up the next question. "I learned the hard way you can't cheer up a grieving friend with ___. Oh dear gods. Please don't make me regret our friendship with your answers." Jason begged. 

"Too late for that." Nico said holding up his card. "You can't cheer up your grieving friend with a subscription to men's fitness."

"Ouch, Nico. Talk about a blow to the ego." Percy shook his head. "'Hey buddy, look, I know you're sad and hurt, but here's a subscription to men's fitness. I think you need it.' But I learned the hard way you can't cheer up a grieving friend with a sad handjob."

"You must suck at what you do if he's not satisfied." Piper raised an eyebrow at Percy. "Is that why Jason's never satisfied?" Nico choked on the water he was drinking. Thalia patted his back. "I did not need to hear that."

"Piper!" Jason said in mortification. "I'm not sleeping with Percy!" Piper made an 'oh' face and nodded in understanding. 

"Nah, but that is why I was never satisfied with my ex-boyfriend."

"Oh! Savage!" Piper laughed and held up her card. "I was gonna go with cock."

Thalia held up her card. "I learned the hard way you can't cheer up a grieving friend with giving the tumor a cutesy name."

"It's a tie between Nico and Thalia I think."

"So we share the point?"

"Sure why not." 

 

"What would grandma find disgusting, yet oddly charming?" Jason read the card and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Let me just..I need to prepare myself before you all give your highly inappropriate answers." He took a deep breath and sighed. "Piper, let's get yours out the way."

Piper went through her choices with a shit eating grin. "I think grandma would find German dungeon porn oddly charming."

"You guys make me want to drink."

Percy smiled innocently. "50,000 volts straight to the the nipples."

"Percy! Oh my gods."

"I believe grandma would find doin' it in the butt oddly charming." Thalia said with a poker face.

"I think sexual humiliation makes grandma's list."

Jason buried his face in his hands and stayed silent for a while. "All these poor innocent old ladies out there. This video is gonna get flagged. I refuse to judge this question."

"I think we can all agree that doin' it in the butt definitely wins this round." Piper and Nico nodded in agreement and gave Thalia the point. 

 

"Fun tip! When your man asks you to go down on him, try surprising him with ___ instead."

"Women's suffrage." Thalia held up her card.

"Sorry," Percy said, showing the camera his card. "this content can't be viewed in your region."

"Try surprising him with having a penis." Piper said. 

"That would definitely surprise him."

"Surprise him with dying." 

"I choose Percy." Percy fist bumped.

 

"___ is a slippery slope that leads to ___."

"The American Dream is a slippery slope that leads to Kurt Cobain's death."

"Fuck you, Percy." Thalia glared. "How dare you bring that up? Asshole." Thalia glared and showed the camera her card. "Being awesome at sex is a slippery slope that leads to fuck mountain."

"My first period and all of this blood." Piper said.

Nico held up his choices. "AIDS is a slippery slope that leads to praying the gay away."

"Nico definitely wins this round." Piper said, giving him the point. "I'll admit that he deserves this point."

 

"What ended my last relationship?"

"Mouth herpes ended mine." Piper shrugged and showed the camera her card.

Nico showed the camera his card. "An AK-47 assault rifle."

Percy scoffed and held up his card. "This answer is too real. Unfathomable stupidity." Piper nodded in agreement. "Isn't that what ends all relationships?"

"Sweet, sweet vengeance." Thalia held up her card. 

"Again, what ended my last relationship." Percy rolled his eyes. "This game is getting too real."

"I think this is a tie between Percy and Piper. Mouth herpes is definitely a good answer and Unfathomable stupidity is too real. I'll give you both a point."

 

"Lifetime presents ___, the story of ___. Percy. Piper. I can already sense your highly inappropriate answers."

"All my good answers are pretty much gone now. Dammit." Thalia glared at her cards and held up her choices. "A botched circumcision and a horse with no legs."

"I was gonna ask how this game is offensive but then now I understand." Nico said, picking his cards. "I'm sorry if I offend anyone." Nico showed the camera his cards.

"You fucking didn't." Percy laughed at Nico's cards. Nico shushed him. "Lifetime presents Auschwitz, the story of Grandpa's ashes."

"We're definitely getting flagged now. No doubt about it." Jason sighed. "Piper what's yours?"

"Lifetime presents giving birth to the Antichrist, the story of my vagina."

"I thought I stood a chance but now I realize I don't." Percy sighed and held up his cards. "Lifetime presents hope, the story of a micropenis." Thalia and Piper laughed, clutching their side. "I feel like this card symbolizes my sex life with all of my previous exes."

"Percy you're such a fucking savage." Piper shook her head. 

"Reasons why I'm a lesbian." Thalia said, causing Jason to look mildly uncomfortable. "I don't think I can look at any of you the same way ever again."

"I'll allow for Nico and Piper to share the point. They both have some good answers." Thalia said. Percy nodded in agreement. "Onto the next question!"

 

"In the beginning, there was ___. And the Lord said, "Let there be ___."

"World peace and white people." Piper held up her card.

"A bunch of idiots playing a card game instead of interacting like normal humans and Cards Against Humanity." Nico held up his card.

"In the beginning," Percy said. "there was my worthless son." Thalia and Piper laughed. "And the Lord said, 'Let there be oncoming traffic."

"I really hope you don't treat your future son like that. Dear gods." Jason shook his head. "Thalia?"

"In the beginning, there was the eight gay warlocks who dictate the rules of fashion. And the Lord said, 'Let there be Texas."

"Percy wins this round for being a terrible father." Percy smirked and fist bumped. "I don't think this is a card I should be proud of."

 

Jason shook his head and picked up another card. "Hey baby, come back to my place and I'll show you ___." Jason pinched the bridge of his nose. 

"I'll show you A PowerPoint presentation." Piper stated.

"My dead son's baseball glove."

"Percy, you're on a roll. First, you push your worthless son into oncoming traffic." Percy laughed. "Now you take your date back to your place to show them his baseball glove. Parenting done right." Piper clapped her hands.

"Come back to my place and I'll show you the holy bible." Thalia said. 

Nico held up his card causing everyone to laugh. "I'll show you a restraining order."

"That's real nice, Nico." Thalia said. "You bring them to your place just to give them a restraining order."

"I think Nico wins this round." Jason said, picking up the last card. "Why won't you make love to me anymore? Is it ___? Oh dear gods."

"Is it the amount of gay I am?" Percy asked, showing the camera his card.

"Pretending to care?" Thalia asked.

"Acting like you didn't cum already." Nico said. 

Piper held her up her card. "Licking things to claim them as your own."

"I'm gonna give it to Percy." Jason said.

"Time to add up the scores!" Piper said excitedly. "Let's find out who's the worst!" They counted up their scores. Nico winning with seven points, Percy and Piper coming in second place with six points, and Thalia with four points.

"I thought I was the worst person in this room but it seems like I've been dethroned." Percy said, placing one of Piper's flower crowns on Nico's head. "Congrats, Nico. You're hereby the worst person in this room. How does it feel?"

"Feels like an accomplishment."  
Nico shrugged. "I had a feeling I'd win or be tied for second place but it's an honor really. I'd like to thank all of the assholes who screwed me over in life for helping me win this game. Couldn't have done it without you guys. I also like to thank my evil, garden obsessed step-mother for also aiding me into becoming the terrible person I am today."

"Damn guys." Percy looked at the camera. "That's some serious shade and so many levels of savage. I'm impressed." 

Piper laughed, "If you enjoyed the video please give it a thumbs up. If you want us to play another game like this in the future let us know down in the comments. If you haven't already please subscribe to my channel. And you can click on these lovely faces," Piper pointed at everyone. "to subscribe to their channels. If you're on mobile, the links are down in the description. I'm really sorry if we offended anyone. Please don't flag us."

"It's a game people, not a dick don't ta-" Jason covered Percy's mouth before he could finish his sentence. "Please ignore Percy, he doesn't have a filter."

"Until next time! Bye everyone!" Piper smiled and ended the video.


End file.
